Blog > Building Confidence

Why you don't need to be more confident

What if I told you that you DON'T NEED TO BE MORE CONFIDENT?

It’s a relief, right?

I certainly wasn’t born ‘that confident girl’. In fact I was frequently called shy and told that I needed to be more confident, particularly in social settings.

A hot tip - for someone who is already struggling with being confident, telling them to ‘be more confident’ reinforces the fact they aren’t, and has the opposite effect, making them even less confident.

Cue shy little ‘Tammy’ going to shrink in the corner.

The secret code to cracking the confidence barrier, and one that sees women taking a big fat sigh of relief, is knowing that you are not lacking in some special confidence gene.

It’s not a stable trait that someone does or does not have; it’s a feeling that can be developed and cultivated in the right environment.

The girl who’s told she’s confident will get more confident, the girl who’s told she’s not will continue to play that out.

A common realisation when I bring women together for group coaching and workshops is:

"Wow, I thought it was just me suffering from this but as I look around the room at these hugely successful and accomplished women they still seem to be lacking confidence and experiencing self-doubt!”

In case you don’t believe me, here’s the stats. A KPMG study of over 3000 professional working women found:

  • 6 in 10 professional women aspire to be leaders, but 6 in 10 struggle to visualise themselves as leaders.
  • 56% are cautious about taking steps toward leadership roles and site confidence building as a desired training and development skill.
  • 82% of women state access to and networking with female leaders will help them advance in their career or business

How do we break through this?

Here’s a hint.

When I stopped thinking I was lacking in some way because I wasn't confident enough and started focussing on the value I bring to the table; suddenly I magically felt and appeared more confident.


Here's why.

According to a recent study conducted by the UCLA, our minds are buzzing with around 62,000 thoughts per day; no wonder we need coffee.

And get this - a massive 90% of these thoughts are being pulled from the past! 55,800 (I definitely used a calculator for this one) of our thoughts are the same thoughts we had yesterday.

We all know your thoughts determine your actions, behaviours, and ultimately your outcomes. So, by repeating the same thoughts over and over you're going to repeat the same outcomes over and over.

We can use this in a favour as a pretty powerful hack!

What is your head being filled with?

READ – focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. This includes confidence.

Simply telling a woman, or yourself, to be confident doesn’t give her any idea how to do it. But, discovering and focussing on the unique strengths and value that will naturally lead to a feeling of confidence does.

If you're spending your precious time surrounded by people who aren't lifting you up, sharing your vision and encouraging you toward your goal, is it any wonder that you're not feeling the desire to step up and shout your message from the rooftops?

If you're filling your brain with negative messages from social media and trashy television (not judging.. I am guilty of watching all six seasons of Pretty Little Liars), is it any wonder that you're holding yourself back from taking that next step?

Feed your brain with the tools it needs to propel you forward. Carve yourself new neural pathways by repeating a new message or a new mantra, something self-constructive rather than self-destructive.

Ultimately – be less confident; be more you.

Written by Tamsin Simounds

As a modern psychology practitioner and performance coach, Tamsin specialises in working with women who want to blaze a trail in business. Tamsin is known for showing leaders how to thrive, not just survive, in their careers and lives. Her unique, results driven and holistic approach utilises the latest in Leadership Strategy, Modern Psychology and Emotional Intelligence to create connected leaders with an increase in confidence and clarity that extends far beyond their role to have a positive impact in all areas of life.

You can learn more about Tamsin here and you can follow her Facebook page here.

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